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I need to get back into writing...

This helps me think just a little more clearly. While all the crap in my life is happening I can't seem to process everything and wrap my head around it. Right about now, there's a LOT of things happening, and I'm ignoring it all, praying it will go away rather than dealing with it..

Within the next month and a half, I might loose my house. My mother can't afford to spend the $3,000 a month to keep this place running. If she gets a 3% raise at work, and the cost of living goes up 7%, how can you make up for that 4% difference? Our taxes alone went from $800, to $2,400 in the time span of a month. She's running out of money quickly, and doesn't know what else to do. As a result, we might be selling the house, and I'll have to move in with her to Zack's house in Guilford. Granted, his oldest son Dylan isn't really at the house a lot, and what time he does spend there is usually him playing X-Box. Kyle is away at boarding school in Massachusetts most of the time, but when he's on break he spends a majority of his time at Zack's because he doesn't get along with his mother at all. And the third one, Zoe, doesn't spend very much time at all at Zack's, and only sleeps there a few nights a year when her mother is out of town and Zack has to watch her. The kids aren't really even huge on my list of worries. Right now the last thing I want is to have 3 step-siblings living with me, none of which I can stand. Ideally, punching each of them in the nose would be an option. But like I said, they're not high on my priority list at the moment.

I feel absolutely awful and ungrateful everytime I complain about how unfair this is. I know she'd fix it if she could, times are just too hard right now. If I could, I'd give my mom all the money I have. She doesn't want to loose or sell the house. She knows it means a lot to me to be here. And since I've been living on my own for so long, I've adjusted and come into my own as an adult with my own routines and ways of doing things. Having to move back in under a roof with my mom would be like giving up all the independence I've been working to achieve for the last 3 years. She says nothing will change, that I'll still be allowed to come and go as I please. She says I can still have friends and Anthony over whenever I'd like, that she's not going to "spy" on me. But the first time I come home late and the dog barks when I walk in the door, it's going to wake her up and I'll be back into having a curfew. When you're 6 months shy of your 21st birthday, the last thing you want is to live under mommy's rules. I'm not saying her rules are absurd or extreme, in fact she's always been very lax in her parenting styles. I just don't want to loose what I've worked for and I don't think that's a selfish request.

On top of all of that, there's just so much that would be affected. I'd be forced to uproot my entire life. Living in Guilford puts me about a half an hour even further from everything. The commute to school would be longer, and on a much busier highway. My mother tries to compensate for this fact by saying that if I moved back in she could probably help me out a little bit ($20) with gas money every week for school. I'd have to quit my job at TLG. There's no way I could drive back and forth during the week to a job that doesn't even pay me enough to cover the gas money I'd be spending in driving. I'd have to quit my babysitting job. I've been with these girls everyday, 5 days a week for the last 4 months. It would be awful to leave them. Not to mention that their parents wouldn't have anyone to watch the kids if I left. I've got a grand total of 2 close friends in Milford, I'd be forced to leave them behind too. Those two are the only ones who have been by my side for the past 7 years and get my every quirk. They know me better than I know myself. Leaving them might destroy me. Last but not least, there's Anthony. I'd be an additional 20-30 minutes away from him. I can't even bare to think about that. The more I think about the prospect of being further away from him, the more I'm trying to fight this move. He's my rock. He keeps me balanced, calm, and collected when the rest of the world is spinning out of control. Anthony puts me back to where I need to be to keep going. Living even further from him, I don't think I can do it. I already hate our limited time together. I know that if he and I are committed and willing, we can get through it, I'm just so tired of the constant fight to be together. It's hard enough being 40 minutes from him in Milford. My life is in Milford, I don't want to leave it all. I've made myself physically ill over worrying about this so much for the past 4 days. Like really, I've developed a cold, loosing my voice, the whole nine. I'm not taking care of myself, I'm too preoccupied with this.

I've talked to a couple of the girls at school, and the deal they've got going is that their parents pay for their rent on an apartment, while they cover the utilities, groceries, and other expenses. I've run this idea past my mom. If we have to sell the house, why not just put me up in an apartment. It would be a fraction of what we pay now to keep this house running. Unfortunately, she can't do that for me right now. She knows I want to keep moving forward in becoming a young adult, and that moving back in with her would be like taking two steps back. But she just cannot afford to put me up in an apartment at this time. She's willing to at least discuss the prospect of an apartment for me after I've lived there with her again for a year. She says a year should theoretically be enough time for her to recuperate financially and get back into the good standing she used to be in, at which point she could think about helping me get into an apartment of my own. That's got to be a good sign at least.

For now I'm stuck in limbo, so to speak. We're not sure whether or not we can keep the house, or if I should start to think about packing, and that's what's killing me. The not knowing. Let's add on that it's the week before finals. I've had a 7 page research paper, 1 presentation, 3 tests already, and I still have 1 take home final, and 2 in-class finals left to worry about. Everything's coming up at the same time and there's no relief anywhere.

It's been a while so...

 Screw you.

That's all.

Time to contemplate life.

 Yesterday he brought up a good question. He asked whether or not sometimes I think I'm still going to be doing the same thing in 5 years, and whether or not that scares me. Truth... I'm terrified of what 5 years in the future holds for me.

The Past: Looking back 5 years ago, where was I? I was 15. That was about it. In 10th grade, no job, naieve relationship with my family, and like... really artificial friends, more so acquaintances. I thought I was closer with a lot of people than I actually was. Life was pretty dull.

As it currently stands: I'm 20, I have two jobs that I can't stand, a pretty bad relationship with my family, only 2 friends, a boyfriend of 4 months, and mediocore grades in school pursuing a career that I'm not sure I even want. 

The Future: In another 5 years I'll be turning 25. I guess in my head I always thought that the plan would be that I'd be graduating college at 21, established in a career by 22 or 23, and looking to settle into a life (whether it be getting engaged or married) by the time I was 24 or 25. I wanted to be a relatively young mom, I wanted to be closer to 25 rather than 30 when I start having kids. 

That was the ideal plan that every little girl thinks about when they're growing up. When I seriously sit back and look at that, the plan scares the hell out of me. There's no reasonable way on the ENTIRE planet that I'm going to graduate college within another year, get established in a career within another 2 years when I still have another 2 years at least left of school. And then to think that I was anticipating being engaged in another 3 or 4 years?!?!?! Call me crazy, but the plan needs some readjustments. 

I'm scared now though that I'm going to still be in the same boat in 5 years. Realistically, I've got 2 years left of school, and then another year in Grad school, assuming I stick this out to get my Master's in teaching. That brings me to 23, and then I'm figuring it'll take me at least another year or two to get settled into a job. So basically everything's not going to go according to plan, and even if it could, would I be able to handle it? 5 years ago I didn't have to worry about anything, and now all of the sudden I'm supposed to be married in 5 years? There's kind of no way that I'm ready for that. I'm starting to come to grips with the idea that I'm actually a lot older than I think. Sometimes I still think I'm 17 and just have to go to school and work. Come to find out, I'm building my life right now. It's time to be a big girl and grow up, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm getting really confused.

Weekend Update...

"This is my promise..."

-Chris Kiley

I'm bored,
I'm bored,
I'm bored,
I'm bored,
I'm bored.

House bound for 14 days now and counting. Two more days to go. 16 days total. My next doctor's appointment is Wednesday morning, and hopefully I get cleared out of phase 1, and sent back into civilization. It's just bad, there's a point where sitting at home for this long by myself is just not good for me. I ended up in this big depressive state last night, not for any particular reason, just because I was so upset about sitting in my house for yet another night. 

In other news, I'm on the job hunt, and putting in applications everywhere. I hit up craigslist too, and hopefully found something really cool there. I've decided that TLG just isn't cutting it anymore. After just about 2 years there, it's time to call it quits. I'm not going to have a lot of hours this summer, and the final straw was the way I got treated after I got sick. People were mad at me over something I have no control over. So the solution? Punish me while I'm out sick for almost 2 weeks and reward everyone else in the process? I do just as much there, and it's not right. So now it's time to leave. 

Last Friday we finally found our way to Red Scroll Records in Wallingford. It was a really nice first day out in so long, minus the fact that we must have circled around downtown Wallingford and passed the shop 85 times without noticing. As usual, he drooled over the hundreds of different albums and spent way too much money. It's cute. Turns out he'd never been to Bertucci's before, so we hit that up for dinner afterwards. True to form, my boy never fails to disappoint and astound me with the amount of food he can cram into that tiny little body. Finally brought him to meet the grandparents for a few minutes after dinner, grabbed a movie, and went home to watch Monster's Inc. because we're cool kids. It was a good date. Little things make me happy. 

Other than that, nothing new. I'm bored, going out of my mind, and need to find something to do.

Back from the dead.... maybe.

They rule the world...
They can't rule me. 

-The Incredible Chris Kiley!

So in the final diagnosis, on June 2nd I got a very severe case of Mono, quickly followed by a serious infection due to a weakened immune system on June 6th. I was poked and prodded with needles, and pumped full of many different kinds of medications. On top of the general pain and discomfort, I was subjected to a bleeding time test, as well as other blood tests. Now a bleeding time test, those are fun, they cut your arm open, put a piece of coffee filter next to the blood to absorb it, and see how long it takes you to stop bleeding. Good times. They did the other blood tests, but neglected to tell me that one of the tests was actually looking for LEUKEMIA. They waited until 3 days later when they got the results back being negative to inform me that they were even checking that on me. Again, good times. 

Another couple days later, they determined that my immune system had allowed for my tonsils to get infected. That led to even more problems. In the end I had been prescribed cough medicine with Codeine, Prednisone, Cephalexin (a kick you in the face anti-biotic), and all the Tylenol I can handle. I'm no where's near good, but I'm getting so much better than I was. I'm under orders to stay down for another week. Yeah right, that's not happening. 

Aside from being sick and house bound for the last week, things in my actual life are taking a few changes of direction, a concept I'm really not that sure about since I've been isolated for 9 days, but it's happening. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing right now, I'm kind of at a stand still until I can get back out in the world and assessing what's going on. Things will be different when I'm not confimed to bed anymore. The doctor said by next Wednesday I'll be moved out of phase 1 of Mono, and on to phase 2. The difference? Phase 1 is the sick stage. The part where I get the throat infection, the fever, etc. Phase 2 is just where I get ridiculously tired. I can deal with being tired a lot better than I can with being sick. I'm looking forward to it. Seriously.

So my birthday in a nutshell...

And if you want roses, 
I'll buy a bouquet.

-Say Anything, "I Want To Know Your Plans"

So, as mentioned before, it's my birthday today, and I found out yesterday that I have Mono. I'm really not that excited. I worked at the daycare from 9-1, and everyone there got me a Target gift card, which was sweet of them. I came home, took an hour nap, and went to work a little bit later at The Little Gym from 4-7:30.

At The Little Gym my bosses got me a $20 gift card to Starbucks, which I was actually very surprised about. But then the big shocker came. My manager said there was some special pay stub in the back room also from my bosses, for my birthday. I'm thinking.. "SICK BONUS". I open the door, and a dozen red roses are sitting there waiting for me. Anthony sent me roses and it was the cutest, best part of my birthday. He's amazing. Be jealous. The end.

Lauren came into work while I was in a class, turns out she had brought me a tiny little ice cream thingy from Carvel, and left it in the freezer for me with a note on the desk telling me Happy Birthday and where it was. Unfortunately, I forgot it in the freezer and I'll just have to eat it tomorrow instead when my throat isn't so swollen shut that I can't breathe, like it is right now.

Came home, and I've been laying in bed since then. I'm tired. I need to sleep. Goodnight everyone.

Happy 20th to me...

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to God Dammit. 

It's my 20th birthday today, and I have Mono. And not like a little Mono, I'm at the peak of my contagious phase and for the next two weeks the fatigue and body aches are going to get so much worse, to the point where I won't be able to move, at all. Because you know, right now walking up a flight of stairs and almost passing out and laying in bed in pain  aren't already great signs of fatigue and body pain. Let's have it get even worse for 2 weeks. 

Anthony had planned on coming to surprise me today, but that got killed because even though I'm half dead here, I still get to go to work. My birthday is fucking crap. I feel like crap. Pity party for one? Yeah, that'd be me. And don't tell me I'm whining or being over dramatic, my throat is so swollen I'm supposed to be making sure it doesn't swell shut. I'm sick, my birthday sucks, and I'm going back to bed.

And if you want roses...

 You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead. 

-Say Anything, "I Want To Know Your Plans"

So I decided to attempt to set up my new ipod this morning. That ended in me screaming at my computer and asking it to stop dumping every single song on my entire computer on to my new ipod. Eventually... I fixed it.  I'm a special one.

Today's the last day of classroom observations that I'm going to. After this, if I end up bombing the class, so be it. This "cooperating teacher" was the most difficult and flat out mean lady I've ever encountered. So whatever happens after today, happens. I'm done fighting it. If I absolutely have to, I'll fight for it again next semester. 

I've got to work 5-7:45 tonight after those observations and then who knows. I'm definitely enjoying having a little time to myself right now. It's a nice change of pace from the days that were booked solid from 7 a.m.- 10:30 p.m. 

Tomorrow is Rob's show up in Torrington and it would be an understatement to say that I'm incredibly stoked. The only problem is, is that I swear to God if I see so much as even one tear from any of those kids I'm gonna start crying too. Besides the point... but it's gonna be a really good show. The boys have been practicing really hard and they'll be great. I'm very excited for all of them. And hopefully Anthony won't be totally zombified anymore.

I'm thinking that's about it. Later kiddies. 

I'm going for broke?

Wave goodbye to a time you once believed was everything.

-We Shot The Moon, "Hope"

Anthony has strep, and we'll know by Thursday whether there's some mono thrown in the mix too. Not to mention the fever makes him hallucinate a lot. Freaking awesome. My poor little zombie is miserable right now. haha

So I missed the deadline for summer course session A, but it's not neccessarily a bad thing. I think I need these 2 or 3 weeks off from school to recouperate and regenerate. I was headed straight for burn out mode, if I wasn't there already. I'll do session B, and maybe session C if I'm really feeling ambitious. 

My family came together on Sunday and did my birthday dinner in combination with my aunt's birthday. Hers is May 31st, and mine is June 3rd, so the family sees it as a "kill two birds with one stone" kind of deal. The long and short of it was... I got a new phone and a new iPod from Mom and Zack, two shirts and a pair of pants which all need to be returned because my grandmother and aunt seem to think I'm perpetually 2 sizes heavier than I actually am. Mostly consisted of just cash in cards, which is always good because then I can just spend it stupidly and wonder where all my birthday money went. Oh yeah... that's right it all went into the bank since I dumped $700 into my car last week. Sweet. Oh yeah, and a $25 Starbucks gift card... always a nice gift. 

I slept in on Monday... I slept a grand total of 9 HOURS!!! I was so stoked. I haven't done that in probably 5 months, maybe more. And then I proceeded to do a grand lot of nothing because it was a complete day off, no school, no work, no nothing. It was perfect. 

Yesterday meant back to the busy life. Worked 9-1 and then 4-7:45. Jackie came over and we had a knitting party which resulted in me getting very sad about my scarf and thinking that it belonged on a grandpa. I'm a freak, I know. After that... got to talk to the zombie a little bit before we both crashed. And now here I am. Gotta find something to do with my life today. I usually work on Wednesdays, but it's not written on the schedule, so maybe I just got another bonus day off? Schwing! Then again maybe my boss just is absent minded and forgot to fill in the rest of my schedule. So I suppose I should call her and clarify, and then find something to do until 5:45 when I may or may not be going into work. Peace out cubbie scouts. <3

Rant, rant, rant... only not really.

My path is not behind me, 
I cling to the shreds.

-The Last of The Believers, "Throwing Matches"

So this isn't specifically geared at anyone. It's just something I want to say. The relationship that he and I have exists between us, and that's it. Yes we do like to share our lives with our friends, we want them in our lives, not our relationship. There is a difference, as weird as that sounds. We both agree that we want our friends around us, but when it comes to matters of our relationship, the people who know it the best and can solve anything that happens the best are the people who are actually in the relationship. So swooping in, making it a topic of conversation with other people, attempting to advise us, things of that nature, are really not welcome gestures. I teach the kids at work to take care of themselves and to let me worry about the others. Let's apply that principle here as well. Everyone worry about themselves and someone else will take care of the others... including our relationship. Respectfully and politely... butt out, it's not your area.

I digress. Obviously there were some issues yesterday, which have since been resolved as far as I'm concerned, and it's time to move on to bigger and better things. My mother has actually told me today that she's proud of Anthony and I. She made the comment that he and I handle things in stride, take things as they are presented to us, and that she's very happy to see us taking a mature approach to things. She admitted her initial doubts simply because of the temporal and geographical issues, but has now been shown that it can and does work, and she fully accepts having been wrong about that. It honestly astounded me. 

Moving on yet, the family Memorial Day grill/ cook out is happening today. It's a combination effort of my aunt's birthday which is May 31st and mine, which isn't until June 3rd, but why not celebrate it all and get it out of the way while the family's all together? So my plan for today is that I have to go buy my aunt a gift, give the dog a bath and a haircut, and then have dinner with my family. Let the good times roll. 

You know what? Sometimes things get annoying, like this nonsense that's going on with school and work, but as a whole, I'm completely content with my life. I like where I'm at and I hope it just keeps getting better as time goes on.