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Time to contemplate life.

 Yesterday he brought up a good question. He asked whether or not sometimes I think I'm still going to be doing the same thing in 5 years, and whether or not that scares me. Truth... I'm terrified of what 5 years in the future holds for me.

The Past: Looking back 5 years ago, where was I? I was 15. That was about it. In 10th grade, no job, naieve relationship with my family, and like... really artificial friends, more so acquaintances. I thought I was closer with a lot of people than I actually was. Life was pretty dull.

As it currently stands: I'm 20, I have two jobs that I can't stand, a pretty bad relationship with my family, only 2 friends, a boyfriend of 4 months, and mediocore grades in school pursuing a career that I'm not sure I even want. 

The Future: In another 5 years I'll be turning 25. I guess in my head I always thought that the plan would be that I'd be graduating college at 21, established in a career by 22 or 23, and looking to settle into a life (whether it be getting engaged or married) by the time I was 24 or 25. I wanted to be a relatively young mom, I wanted to be closer to 25 rather than 30 when I start having kids. 

That was the ideal plan that every little girl thinks about when they're growing up. When I seriously sit back and look at that, the plan scares the hell out of me. There's no reasonable way on the ENTIRE planet that I'm going to graduate college within another year, get established in a career within another 2 years when I still have another 2 years at least left of school. And then to think that I was anticipating being engaged in another 3 or 4 years?!?!?! Call me crazy, but the plan needs some readjustments. 

I'm scared now though that I'm going to still be in the same boat in 5 years. Realistically, I've got 2 years left of school, and then another year in Grad school, assuming I stick this out to get my Master's in teaching. That brings me to 23, and then I'm figuring it'll take me at least another year or two to get settled into a job. So basically everything's not going to go according to plan, and even if it could, would I be able to handle it? 5 years ago I didn't have to worry about anything, and now all of the sudden I'm supposed to be married in 5 years? There's kind of no way that I'm ready for that. I'm starting to come to grips with the idea that I'm actually a lot older than I think. Sometimes I still think I'm 17 and just have to go to school and work. Come to find out, I'm building my life right now. It's time to be a big girl and grow up, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm getting really confused.




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