This helps me think just a little more clearly. While all the crap in my life is happening I can't seem to process everything and wrap my head around it. Right about now, there's a LOT of things happening, and I'm ignoring it all, praying it will go away rather than dealing with it..
Within the next month and a half, I might loose my house. My mother can't afford to spend the $3,000 a month to keep this place running. If she gets a 3% raise at work, and the cost of living goes up 7%, how can you make up for that 4% difference? Our taxes alone went from $800, to $2,400 in the time span of a month. She's running out of money quickly, and doesn't know what else to do. As a result, we might be selling the house, and I'll have to move in with her to Zack's house in Guilford. Granted, his oldest son Dylan isn't really at the house a lot, and what time he does spend there is usually him playing X-Box. Kyle is away at boarding school in Massachusetts most of the time, but when he's on break he spends a majority of his time at Zack's because he doesn't get along with his mother at all. And the third one, Zoe, doesn't spend very much time at all at Zack's, and only sleeps there a few nights a year when her mother is out of town and Zack has to watch her. The kids aren't really even huge on my list of worries. Right now the last thing I want is to have 3 step-siblings living with me, none of which I can stand. Ideally, punching each of them in the nose would be an option. But like I said, they're not high on my priority list at the moment.
I feel absolutely awful and ungrateful everytime I complain about how unfair this is. I know she'd fix it if she could, times are just too hard right now. If I could, I'd give my mom all the money I have. She doesn't want to loose or sell the house. She knows it means a lot to me to be here. And since I've been living on my own for so long, I've adjusted and come into my own as an adult with my own routines and ways of doing things. Having to move back in under a roof with my mom would be like giving up all the independence I've been working to achieve for the last 3 years. She says nothing will change, that I'll still be allowed to come and go as I please. She says I can still have friends and Anthony over whenever I'd like, that she's not going to "spy" on me. But the first time I come home late and the dog barks when I walk in the door, it's going to wake her up and I'll be back into having a curfew. When you're 6 months shy of your 21st birthday, the last thing you want is to live under mommy's rules. I'm not saying her rules are absurd or extreme, in fact she's always been very lax in her parenting styles. I just don't want to loose what I've worked for and I don't think that's a selfish request.
On top of all of that, there's just so much that would be affected. I'd be forced to uproot my entire life. Living in Guilford puts me about a half an hour even further from everything. The commute to school would be longer, and on a much busier highway. My mother tries to compensate for this fact by saying that if I moved back in she could probably help me out a little bit ($20) with gas money every week for school. I'd have to quit my job at TLG. There's no way I could drive back and forth during the week to a job that doesn't even pay me enough to cover the gas money I'd be spending in driving. I'd have to quit my babysitting job. I've been with these girls everyday, 5 days a week for the last 4 months. It would be awful to leave them. Not to mention that their parents wouldn't have anyone to watch the kids if I left. I've got a grand total of 2 close friends in Milford, I'd be forced to leave them behind too. Those two are the only ones who have been by my side for the past 7 years and get my every quirk. They know me better than I know myself. Leaving them might destroy me. Last but not least, there's Anthony. I'd be an additional 20-30 minutes away from him. I can't even bare to think about that. The more I think about the prospect of being further away from him, the more I'm trying to fight this move. He's my rock. He keeps me balanced, calm, and collected when the rest of the world is spinning out of control. Anthony puts me back to where I need to be to keep going. Living even further from him, I don't think I can do it. I already hate our limited time together. I know that if he and I are committed and willing, we can get through it, I'm just so tired of the constant fight to be together. It's hard enough being 40 minutes from him in Milford. My life is in Milford, I don't want to leave it all. I've made myself physically ill over worrying about this so much for the past 4 days. Like really, I've developed a cold, loosing my voice, the whole nine. I'm not taking care of myself, I'm too preoccupied with this.
I've talked to a couple of the girls at school, and the deal they've got going is that their parents pay for their rent on an apartment, while they cover the utilities, groceries, and other expenses. I've run this idea past my mom. If we have to sell the house, why not just put me up in an apartment. It would be a fraction of what we pay now to keep this house running. Unfortunately, she can't do that for me right now. She knows I want to keep moving forward in becoming a young adult, and that moving back in with her would be like taking two steps back. But she just cannot afford to put me up in an apartment at this time. She's willing to at least discuss the prospect of an apartment for me after I've lived there with her again for a year. She says a year should theoretically be enough time for her to recuperate financially and get back into the good standing she used to be in, at which point she could think about helping me get into an apartment of my own. That's got to be a good sign at least.
For now I'm stuck in limbo, so to speak. We're not sure whether or not we can keep the house, or if I should start to think about packing, and that's what's killing me. The not knowing. Let's add on that it's the week before finals. I've had a 7 page research paper, 1 presentation, 3 tests already, and I still have 1 take home final, and 2 in-class finals left to worry about. Everything's coming up at the same time and there's no relief anywhere.
- Current Mood: indescribable