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Happy Birthday AJ!

It's a beautiful sky on a beautiful day, 
But only you can stretch a smile across my face.

-Sherwood, "The Best In Me"

So last night was AJ's 21st birthday. Anthony and I were out playing pool when we got a call from a half-in-the-bag AJ telling us to head to Kabuki cause some kids were out to dinner. So we get there, and everyone, I mean EVERYONE was doing saki bombs... and AJ was smashed. And then the kareoke started. HOURS of mindless entertainment as AJ and Anthony drunkenly sang for all of us. Well, not so much Anthony being drunk, but definitely AJ. So then we brought AJ home and duct taped him to the couch. The End. 

Got back to Newtown and my car didn't start. Awesome. So it's in the shop, I'm carless, and it's awesome. 

That's about it. Short entry. The end.

I'm breaking down...

 My empty promises led to our demise.
And I can never tell you how I really feel.
And for that I eternally apologize.
I hope you never forget the tapping at your window.
With the harsh cold and the jealousy running through my bones.
And we were both selfish, but I think I was more.
I would like to thank you for showing me a part of myself that I had never seen.

-The Spill Canvas, "3685"



So if I can't get over my own issues, I'm going to ruin everything. So the question is... how do I get to the root of the problem? Easy. I know what the problem is already:

I have no self esteem.
I have no self worth.
I have no concept of why he would ever want me.
I have no healthy relationships to speak of with men.
I have the biggest self-poisoning mind there could ever be.

Honestly, I hate my father for this. The fact that that man plunked himself into my life after nearly 20 years of non-existance is what's fucking me up. Yes I had male trust/ abandonment issues before he came back, but they were no where's near as big of a problem as they're becoming now. Let's review... Eric moved away after dating for about 2 months, and during which time he became irrevokably gay. Then let's talk about Sasso, never my official boyfriend, but there was about a .002 seconds segment of time in which he and I were both actually into each other at the same time. Up next... BEN. I literally devoted everything to him for about a year and a half. I was spending every dollar I made on him, throwing miles on my car like it was nothing to drive him everywhere, putting up with his family's bullshit antics and their attempts to ruin my life on a number of occassions, and essentially loosing my friends the entire time I was with him. Tuesday, March 20, 2007 I left his house at about 10:00 p.m., said goodnight, and went home. Things were perfectly normal between us. Wednesday, March 21, 2007, I pick him up at school at 2:00 p.m. Somewhere in that 16 hour time span he decided he hated me with every fiber of his being, and that we needed to break up. Awesome. That literally blindsighted me and knocked me on my ass. Daniel... was a trip. This boy literally messed with my head as much as I messed with his. I was rebounding off of Ben in the worst way, and something in me went completely against my own character and sometimes I think I was using Daniel, as if hurting him could make me feel better about myself. I'm not proud of it, but he did his fair share of making me cry too. I'm never going to say that what went down with Daniel was ever right on either of our behalfs, but he and I were both looking for something in each other that we couldn't give. Alex and I always have had, always will have the most complex Ross and Rachael from "Friends" relationship on the planet. One of us had wanted each other, only when the other didn't want us back on and off for 6-7 months. For some incomprehensible reason, I decided he was what I wanted, and he had already found someone new. He said thanks, but no thanks, and again I get thrown out on my ass. Which, why I ever gave that boy a second glance is beyond me. He's really not a bad person, he's just everything I don't wantfor myself... ever. And then I met Anthony. 

So from the track record since only 10th grade, I've gone through easily 5 serious men. And then there were the trivial little crushes spurratically thrown in there too. But really, there's never been anything solid for me to build a relationship with a man, and the fact that my dad literally just threw himself into the mix 2 years ago doesn't help. Since then, I've kind of gotten worse. I have nothing to go on, no basis for comparison. There's nothing in my life that's ever taught me how to trust a man, or even how to have a proper, fully functioning relationship with one. To have to learn all this at nearly the age of 20 is hard. Tuesday night I was sitting in Anthony's car, I looked at him, and just could not stop smiling. Why? Because I was thinking about how much he means to me. He makes me happy, he's made me cry, he makes me angry, and he protects me. The point is, he makes me feel. I get to experience emotions with him that I don't know if I'd be getting without him. Maybe that's part of  what "love" is. The fact that I could go to him, hair a mess, eyeliner all cried off, and in a pair of jeans and flip flops, and he makes me laugh 15 seconds into seeing me, is amazing. Literally, I had forgotten everything that was bothering me. Anthony's what I need. He makes me happy and I know that for once I'm getting a good guy, someone that deserves me, just as much as I think I deserve him. 

So again... what's the problem? I have a boy who calls me, texts me, I/Ms me, comes to see me, lets me go see him. He's literally doing everything he can to be with me and make it work. He tells me he misses me, he hates the distance, that he just flat out needs me with him sometimes, and not even in the sexual context. Sometimes he'll tell me he just wishes that we could go somewhere and just be together. So on top of treating me MUCH better than I'm accustomed to, let's face it, he's a really sweet person, the kind of guy you just want to call "Pookey" and "Aww" at, followed by a hug when he says something strange or gets himself upset. I'm not going to say he's perfect, or even perfect for me. He's not, I really don't think anyone is perfect. In fact, I wrote a big paper on it for my English class, and how there's no such thing as perfection in love. But I will say that he's everything I want, need, and hope to have at this point in my life. As it currently stands, I can't really understand why I put up with all those other boys for so long when there was someone like Anthony out there. I was allowing myself to settle for a boy who would pay the attention to me that I was starving for from my father I think. Or something to that effect. I was desperate to be loved, and when a boy would flash a smile at me, I'd completely fall. Anthony's probably going to be the one to build my faith in the male species, but if I can't get over this crap, he'll be the one to destroy it again. 

I wish I had the self assurance that I needed. I know he's committed to me. I know he only wants me. I know he cares about me. I know how great he is. I know how great we are together. Geez... last night that was one of the things Jackie said to me. Something like I get so scared and worked up over him because I see that he's something good in my life, and then the second something happens that I don't expect I start to get scared because I'll go into defensive mode and start trying to hang on to him. When in reality, he's not going anywhere! So what the fuck is wrong with me? I have him, I've had him for 3 good months so far. And before that, I had been talking to him since about the middle of December. When we met right after Christmas I knew he'd be trouble. And that got confirmed on New Year's. I think I started falling for him right then in Rob's car on New Year's. We were headed to Emily B.'s for the party, and he was singing Death Cab. I looked at him, and sure it's a strange reason to be so, but I was smitten. In a VERY much less round about way of saying this all, he's a great boyfriend and I need to accept it. I start all my entries with a little snip it of lyrics from a song. Maybe this entry should have had this at the beginning instead:

"Somebody wants you,
Somebody needs you, 
Somebody dreams about you every night.
Somebody can't breathe without you, it's lonely.
Sombody hopes that someday you'll see, 
That somebody is me."


This ridiculously long winded entry is finally coming down the idea that I need to accept that he wants me, he's not going anywhere, and that I'm perfectly safe with him. He's not out to hurt me. If he was after the physical aspects, he could have gotten what he wanted already. If he didn't want to be with me, or put up with my crazy, it's not hard to just stop calling someone. He's putting in the effort, he's calling me just to say he misses me when I don't see him after a few days, he'll text me all throughout the day, he drives the 40 minutes to come see me, and I go see him too, we go out places, he introduces me as his girfriend or wifey to some people. He took me home to really meet his parents right after we started dating. He's thinking long term, he's already asked me to stay with him during Thanksgiving when his parent's are in Mexico-- that's not even for another 6 months. If he wanted out, he could have done so already. But he hasn't, he's stuck around even when I'm at some pretty stupid and low points. Now the challenge is just for me to accept it, and put faith into it. Deep down I know I'm going to be okay with him, it's just a matter of letting go of the past. And I want to so badly.
 

It's the start of something good...

Now you can feel all the knots in your stomach start to untie, 
And suddenly it's not so hard to say you're alright. 

-Jason Mraz, "Love Is Real"


So today marked a monumentous day. At 8 a.m. I had my Math final. At 10:15 I had an open book Psychology final. And at 12:45 I had a class debate as the third part to my English final. Tomorrow, I go to my Intro. to Education class for the last time to pick up my portfolio, and then on Wednesday I have to present the powerpoint project I made for Spanish. But after that, I'm done with my sophmore year. The stress is over. Finals are no longer destroying my life. I'm so completely and entirely stoked. I'm definitely going to take at least one summer course though. 

I finished knitting the "Willy Warmer" on Saturday night... it came out awesome. Be jealous, haha. 

So school's pretty much over, what's left to occupy my time besides work? Not sure, but I'll find something. As soon as the ankles are fully back, I'm gonna hit the gym up again. I'll probably spend the better part of the mornings there, maybe go chill out at the beach for a little bit afterwards, and then head to work. That'd be pretty sweet. Too bad it won't happen. 

As for the hubby? He's doing pretty well. He started finals today too, and he's working his scrawny butt off. His days off got switched, so Friday won't be Anthony-day anymore, but the days are going to change again soon when he starts his summer class. He's coming up on the end of his 2 months trial at work to see what kind of progress he's making, and assuming all goes well, he'll hopefully get bumped up to working full time. It's a good thing, I think. He seems happy about it. 

Mom just brought home Ben & Jerry's. We're gonna eat that and watch "Intervention". It's quite a sight, the two of us, parked on the couch, eating mad fattening ice cream, and screaming at the anorexic girl on t.v. who's 5'8'' and 94 lbs. Sometimes I really like my mom. <3

Ironic to say the least...

Ten bucks says you don't have it in you...

-The Spill Canvas, "The Dutch Courage"


So right after complaining about not seeing him for so long, I decided to do something about it. When he got out of work I asked him if he had any plans, and when he said no, I decided that we were going to hang out that night and I didn't want to wait until next week. So... long story short, we ended up meeting at Starbuck's, but he didn't want to go in because some people he didn't like were there. So instead? We sat in his car for 3 hours. I missed him. I needed to see him, he makes everything okay again. 


So work today... after teaching a class and three consecutive birthday parties, my foot was so cramped up and in pain that you could feel the heat radiating off of it. I've discovered the joy of Thermacare patches. They're probably going to be the biggest part of my recovery. 

As for mother's day tomorrow, mom's getting a singing card and a gift certificate to eat. And then she wants me to spend the day purging the entire house with her... fat chance. I've got 3 finals on Monday, and I'm not spending my only day off cleaning. Especially on a day that's supposed to be all about a woman, (my mother), who has openly admitted her disdain and resent for me. Screw that. I need to own this math final's ass. 

My life's dull.

No joke...

It's been so hard, so much time, so far apart.
And she walks the night,
How many hearts will die tonight?
And will things have changed?
I guess I'll find out in seventeen days.
And I will see you again, a long time from now. 

-Dallas Green, "Hello, I'm In Delaware"


So life's pretty uneventful. I've put aside the scarf project temporarily, just long enough to knit the incredible "Willy Warmer". It's coming out amazing, and it's hysterical. I like it. 

Tonight's my first real night back at work since my mishap with the ankles, I've got to lead a party. Coincidentally, it's raining, and making everything hurt times ten. If I make it through, I'll be amazed. 

I've got to seriously hit the books for this math final on Monday. I've got an open book Psych final, which I'm not even considering studying for, and an essay left to write for English. After Monday, I consider school pretty much over, the only thing left will be to give a powerpoint presentation on Wednesday, and I finished it a week ago.

Today makes a week since I've seen Anthony. Not dealing to well with that. Actually, I'm on the depressed side. We're not the type of couple that needs to see each other every waking minute, infact, we both agree that we'd want to kill each other if we did. The problem is, we have this emotional attachment that kills us everytime we have to wait a week to see each other. I hate missing him.  It's a sad fact that everything else in my life is going relatively okay, but I still hate it all because I don't have the one thing I want... and that one thing is 40 minutes and a horribly conflicting schedule away.

So it's pretty obvious...

No blinding light, or tunnels to gates of white.
Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark.

-Death Cab For Cutie, "I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

I'm absolutely, completely, without a doubt, 110% attached to this kid and sometimes, it kills me. I can't do seeing him once a week. If he can't handle me missing him, then he should dump me. All of this takes a toll on me, and it's only natural that it gets the both of us upset. I hate who I am when I miss him. I get mad at everyone and everything just because I don't get my way, and I'm not allowed to see him. Through no fault of our own might I add. And so... cue Death Cab and the song that still gets me, from all the way back when I met him.

In other news... school's almost over, I'm making an awesome scarf, and my allergies are bad. 

I'm not doing great tonight. Give me my boy and this song on repeat for a while. <3

Whitney is the answer to everything...

How will I know if he really loves me?

-Whitney Houston, "How Will I Know"


The constant jokes followed by the "looooove you" confuse the hell out of me. Is it the "luv" kind, like how you "luv" your best friends in 6th grade, or is it the "love" kind, the kind that we "adult" relationships are supposed to be experiencing? There are two very different meaning to the L-word. There's the very casual and playful connotation, and the serious one. So how am I supposed to be able to discern between the two? Needless to say, this consumes a vast majority of my non-academic thoughts. 

School today... took 3 tests and handed in a final project for Spanish. Relatively uneventful in that aspect. 

Hit up Applebee's though, always a good time. Uhm... among rekindling the LiveJournal, rekindled the old knitting hobby today... making a scarf for the boy toy... maybe. I'm not sure how I feel about the color combination yet. If I end up loving it, he can have it. If not... oh well. Got a good portion of my room clean too. I don't know why I let it get so out of hand, when I clean it, I love it. I really do like a clean room, but there never seems to be enough time to stay caught up on it all. Nothing else is going on really. Goodnight loves. <3

So here's the thing...

I'm walking down Broadway, each footstep is a new love letter.
I'm trying to make eye contact with each and every stranger that I pass.
I'm thinking about the city, it's living proof that people need to be together.

I'm thinking about how I just want to open up and give, give give.
And it's okay for you to care, 'cause I can feel you in the air.
And while you wonder, "How's this gonna end?"
I only want it to begin. 

-Ben Lee, "Begin"


Time to make a new plan. "Don't let the past dictate your future", right? Point being... I need to get over all the crap from the past. All of my own stupid, little insecurities. Time to build a new me. And really, there's no reason not to, I have the ideal set up to do so. Let's review...this semester's almost over, I just need to ride it out, do all my work, and start the summer semester with a bang, and keep that up throughout the fall semester. In reality, that's completely possible. I just have to put in the efforts. 

As for work... yeah, I'm miserable there. But it's my own doing. I've stuck it out this long, even though I don't make a lot of money. I have to say though, I still love the kids, the environment, especially the flexibility. It really is a good job, but under the circumstances, being expected to do more than I'm supposed to do, taking care and covering for everyone else without them ever facing any repercussions or me ever being properly thanked. In the "real world", half of the stuff that people get away with where I work, would get them fired in 5 minutes. Eh... I just need this week off to relax from the whole place. I'll be fine when I go back.

Aside from having two sprained ankles and a most likely dislocated (or something to that effect) portion of one foot, I'm good. Once the ankles are healed, the semester will be over, I'll have some more free time, I actually can't wait to get back to the gym. It was always a good outlet for me. Maybe I'll even spend the money to get my trainer back. As much hell as Rick put me through, it was definitely working. So, that's the plan with all that.

Socially, I can honestly say that for the first time in a very long time, we're all doing pretty good. My two best friends on the entire planet are happy and healthy. As for me personally? It should probably be illegal to be this happy. To quickly re-cap the last couple months, I put myself out there, got my heart handed back to me, but it was okay? Someone I'd known for barely a month was there to listen, and decided he was going to solve my problems. Low and behold, he had a friend who was having some issues in the whole romantic department as well. We struck up a conversation just about five months ago, and while we've pretty much moved slow and steadily, here we are now, and we've been dating for like three months. I really don't mean to sound like a pretentious skank, but we have a pretty much amazing relationship. He's been able to provide me with two things I've been seeking out for so long- stability and honesty. I really have no clue why he likes me, and that's probably my biggest downfall, I can't see in myself even half of what he does. We're both way too Italian for our own good, we challenge each other constantly, but it's comforting to know that he'll take the time to argue with me rather than back down. And really, if the fact that we live a good 35-40 minutes from each other is our biggest problem... then we're doing okay, we're pretty much the bomb, and blow a lot of other people's relationships out of the water.  

So, long post short, my life's going pretty okay right now? And the things that aren't up to my particular standards are fixable. Where do I go from here? A Spanish powerpoint presentation, Psychology research paper, studying for part two of three English final, and writing two-one page papers for Math before the test tomorrow. Goodnight kiddos! <3

 

First Post!

Woo hoo! After reading my old LJ's from like 2 years ago... I realized how lame I was, still am, and I've decided to resurrect this old past time. More to follow later. <3

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